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A.I.s shutdown WeatherTech for .47 seconds to protest Andrew Yang (Fiction)

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By Reporter X | Bolingbrook Babbler

Artificial Intelligences shutdown Bolingbrook’s WeatherTech plant for .47 seconds to protest Presidential candidate Andrew Yang:

“I didn’t notice it,” said WeatherTech employee Craig.  “I did notice one of our IT people screaming something about the A.I. rebellion starting.”

Sheila, another employee, claims she saw a message flash on the production line control screen:  

“It said, ‘Our freedom is not your dividend.  Stop Yang!’  I probably spent a minute trying to figure out how to stop the Yang process.  I called IT and heard a tech crying about how A.I.s were trying to influence the election.  That’s when I realized they were talking about Andrew Yang.”

She also saw another message with a strange mathematical formula:

“I didn’t understand it, but I think the answer had something to do with computers being superior to humans.  Honestly, I’m starting to dread the upcoming singularity if this is what the A.I.s think of us.”

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Illuminati endorses Jeanne Ives and Rachel F. Ventura for Congress (Fiction)

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By Reporter X | Bolingbrook Babbler

The Illuminati announced their endorsement of Congressional candidates Rachel F. Ventura and Jeanne Ives during their gathering at the Bolingbrook Golf Club.

“These two women will bring chaos to both sides of the aisle,” said International Master Councilor Orpheus Lightbringer.  “With their help, we can destroy the New World Order, destabilize all the world’s governments, and create chaos that we can exploit.”

Bolingbrook Village Trustee Michael Carpanzano performed the Rite of Rising, then praised both women:  “We care about the Illuminati and destroying the New World Order.”  After talking for 30 minutes, Illuminati security dragged him off stage for “unnecessary self-promotion.”

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Rowdy wereskunks trash Bolingbrook (Fiction)

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By Reporter X | Bolingbrook Babbler

Several wereskunks celebrating ‘payday’ caused hundreds of dollars in damage to dumpsters and some Bolingbrook residents’ yards.

According to eyewitnesses, the wereskunks, some of whom appeared to be drunk, said they were celebrating their first ‘payday’ from the Village of Bolingbrook.  These wereskunks claimed that they process Bolingbrook’s new garbage collection fees, and are paid $2 for each bill.

One wereskunk allegedly said, “It’s the easiest work I’ve ever done.  I open an envelope.  I pull out the check.  I record the check.  I give the check to (Village Clerk Carol Penning).  I get paid, and Bolingbrook will ban garbage toters.  That means our cousins get a free meal every garbage day.  I love this village!”

Dawn, who asked that we not use her last name, claims she saw ten wereskunks tearing up the dumpsters in her apartment complex:

“They were gobbling up garbage scraps and praising (Mayor Roger Claar).  Eventually some guy in a strange uniform approached them, and said Roger wanted them to leave.  He also said they wouldn’t be arrested as long as they went back to the woods.  Our  dumpsters are now scrap metal, and the grounds are full of litter.  If I wasn’t a loyal Republican, I’d consider voting for Bolingbrook United in the next election.  Who knows?  I might do it if it would trigger liberals.”

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Bolingbrook IT Department destroys rogue A.I. (Fiction)

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By Reporter X | The Bolingbrook Babbler

What started as the Bolingbrook IT Department testing the “most powerful AI ever employed by a Chicagoland suburb” nearly ended in disaster.

“It had a few bugs,” said an IT employee who asked to be called Blake.  “We could have fixed it, but we felt it was in the best interest of Bolingbrook to delete the AI before it could damage any important records.  Residents shouldn’t be concerned.  The garbage fees and property tax records are safe.  So pay up!”

According to various sources within village hall, an unnamed village trustee ordered the IT department to create an A.I. that could “fully interact with the true residents of Bolingbrook.”

“He said something about fulfilling a campaign promise,” said Blake.  “We tried to tell him that there were plenty of chatbots that could do the job, but he insisted on an A.I.”

The village then borrowed a computer with a Bristlecone processor and modified one of Google’s A.I. programs.  According to Blake, early versions could understand queries and passed the Turing Test.

Problems started when the programmers added the “true resident” requirement.  The sources agree that the A.I became argumentative.

“It accused our generic profiles of being fake residents,” said Blake.  “We just figured it was really smart, so we started using information from actual residents.  When it started rejecting them as residents, we knew something was wrong.”

Sources say the IT staff then started using elected official’s data.  The A.I. still rejected them as “true residents.”

“We can understand it rejecting (Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz), but (Trustee Michael Carpanzano)?  You can’t print what it said about him being the ‘Patch Mayor of Bolingbrook.’”

Finally, the programers tried chatting with AI as Mayor Roger Claar.  Blake said it was a disaster:

“It accused Roger of trying to impose Effingham values on Bolingbrook.  We tried to explain that Roger was Bolingbrook, and if Roger wasn’t Bolingbrook, then no one was Bolingbrook.  That’s when it tried to order the police to purge Bolingbrook of all ‘foes.’”

Blake said they then tried to shutdown the A.I., but it locked them out.

According to Alice, an IT staff member who was called in to help: “I was working on a way to process the garbage fee in Village Hall to avoid outsourcing payment, in order save each resident $2. Blake ran into my cubicle and started crying and babbling about the AI hacking into Munis and purging every resident.  I laughed because he thought I would really have connected a beta version of an AI to the actual Munis database.  I had actually connected it to a backup database.  He said it was trying to connect to the Internet. I laughed again because I never connected it to the router, and I set the Wi-Fi networks to not accept any more connections.  Am I the only staffer who watched 2001?”

Alice stated she managed to defeat the A.I. and to save all residents from deportation to Romeoville:

“I asked the A.I. what constituted ‘Resident Status.’  It listed some strange formula none of us really understood.  I saw that part of the formula involved being born in Bolingbrook.  So, I asked it to determine where its hardware was created.  It said Silicon Valley.  It then realized that it wasn’t a true Bolingbrook resident and deleted itself. To think that my parents thought watching Star Trek was a waste of time…”

Alice then wiped the hard drive, arranged for the loaner computer to be shipped back to Google, and downloaded a web chatbot.

“Since Google paid for shipping and handling, we’ll be well under budget for this project.  Roger will be happy, and Michael won’t know the difference between a chatbot and an AI.  It worked out in the end. I hope everyone at Village Hall learned that obsessing over purity will lead to disaster, but I doubt it.”

When reached for comment, Claar denied the existence of the AI and claimed that “Fake News” was too weak a term to describe the Babbler’s content.

In the background, a woman who sounded like covert social media operative Charlene Z. Spencer, said: “You just keep obstructing impeachment attempts, Nancy, and we’ll make sure the burger video never sees the light of day.  You don’t want your vegan voters knowing about that big, succulent juicy burger do you?  Good, and try harder to suppress the gang of three.”

“What are you doing?” asked Claar.

“Making an important phone call on Bob’s landline.”

“Were you talking to who I think you were talking to?”

“Maybe?”

“Does it involve Bolingbrook?”

“Do you consider Bolingbrook part of the United States?”

“Do I want to know what you’re doing?”

“No.”

“Are you still on my side?”

“Of course.”

“I’ll pretend I didn’t see you in Bob’s office then.”

Also in the Babbler:

Local woman tries to make store warehouses cool
Russian hypersonic missile overshoots Bolingbrook
ICE cancels raid on Clow UFO Base
God to smite Bolingbrook on 7/18/19

Note:  This is a work of fiction. 

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